Tuesday, May 3
Recollect
It's a strange, nearly universal truth that the past will begin reappearing indiscriminately upon entering the third decade of one's life. Nobody can know why this is, only that it's a documented fact. Everybody experiences this weird thing. Pop culture even references it (see High Fidelity, mov).
Perhaps it's the greater lifecycle reminding us of how far we've come. Or how far we haven't come, in some cases.
recollect verb 1. To recall to mind. 2. To remember something.
Vic's past is foisting itself upon her at every turn. In some instances, it's been a happy delight to hear from old loves, old friends, old business acquaintances out of the blue. A small surprise gift in her inbox. In other instances, her past has a way of making her feel underdressed at her own party; shabby and embarrassed.
Her forced recollections began with Terry, a highschool (can't call it love) 'object of very temporary fascination'. Having entered his thirties, with a son and a divorce in his suit jacket pocket, Terry googled Vic, found her email address and "got in touch."
This is what they always call it: "getting in touch" – like it's a friendly innocent thing that doesn't stir up uncomfortable old memories and force the recipient to recollect them, their younger self (why anyone would want their younger self recollected to start with, Vic can't fathom – she'd rather her younger self were put to bed early without supper).
Anyway, there was some delight on Vic's part to hear from Terry (perhaps because he was the first to reappear in what has since become a tiresome bill full of reappearing acts) and so they got together for a glass of wine in a dark, after-work trader's bar on Bay Street. They bantered about old times, which made her feel a bit like a victim of the Matrix considering the environment, and he very quickly got around to trying to kiss her.
Now, this was before Jon and Graycie, at a time when, normally, Vic have been quite open to snogging an old flame and then ignoring his phone calls for the following week. But frankly, the shock of that face coming at hers, with its new lines, new smiles, future grudges… made her silently hysterical with discomfort. She excused herself quickly afterward and they didn't talk very much afterward.
Recently, there have been a spate of new "getting in touch"es. Each sounding distressingly similar to the last.
Generally speaking, they are men who have hit their thirties. They've "found" her online. They've decided to email her. Some, proclaiming an evangelical need to apologize to her for former assholishness -- most of which she can't even recall being upset about. Some, simply seeking a sense of connection with their past.
One goes so far as to say that he has decided (decided!) to have her in his life again. He is seeking enrichment. At this, Vic stifles her snort and replies with chilly politeness that she really can't muster any interest in adding value to someone's life who, if recollection serves, fucked her 19 year old self a few times, told his friends, made her life hell momentarily, then never called again.
A response like that typically puts an end to it. Ironically, they don't like to have the actual articles of the past brought up to them. Still, Vic feels she's doing them a favour of sorts, reminding them, politely and no hard feelings mind you, what a shit they were. Maybe they won't be so eager to go looking up every conquest in their diary, transparently checking to see f she might have grown up to be the one that got away.
What a fucking waste of time for everybody involved. Still, you have to be polite don't you?
So Vic continues to recollect, collect again, these old memories at the rate she is required to by other people's demand to be known in the present for what they were in the past. But here… a message for the next person from her past who has googled her, found this and is toying with the idea of sending her a personal email:
Just leave it, will you? You're probably a better person now and you don't need to prove it to me. I don't give a monkey's butt.
posted by Vic |
5/03/2005 08:55:00 AM |
3 comments
|
: 2:32 PM